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Codependency can be described as devoting all your emotional and mental energy to another person at the expense of your own health, according to the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction. While it’s natural to want love in a romantic partnership and gain the acceptance of friends and family, codependency can develop if you constantly prioritize others over yourself—and that imbalance can be emotionally damaging.
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Here’s what codependency is, and the role it plays in mental well-being.
What Is Codependency?
Often labeled as a personality disorder or mental health condition, codependency is neither. This learned behavior emerged as a concept in the 1940s in describing the wives of partners with an alcohol or substance abuse disorder. Today, codependency is a broader issue where self-sacrifice means you’re placing the needs of another above your own.
Codependency is the dysfunctional engagement in a relationship where one person depends excessively on another for emotional fulfillment, explains Tola T’Sarumi, M.D., a licensed psychiatrist in Boston, Massachusetts, and addiction specialist at Harvard Medical School. “For example, strong emotional ties can see parents go to great lengths to help their children if they are in trouble, even if it negatively impacts their health and social situation,” she says.
7 Signs of Codependency
Although the tell-tale signs of codependency often overlap with other conditions, most relate to issues setting boundaries and lacking a clear sense of self, says Kristen Piering, Psy.D., a New York state-licensed clinical psychologist and certified school psychologist.
Those who exhibit symptoms of codependency have a difficult time seeing themselves as individuals outside of a relationship, and can often experience moods and feelings reflective of their partner’s rather than their own.
“Codependent adults tend to feel responsible for their partner’s feelings and behaviors,” she says, “and believe their partner’s actions reflect on them and who they are.”
Imagine your loved one has a hard day at work and takes their frustration out on you, adds Dr. Piering. “The codependent person will feel as though they did something wrong, believe that they caused this emotional outburst and devalue themselves as a result.”
Aside from minimizing your feelings and desires in favor of another person’s, here are seven more signs of codependent relationships, which can lead to defensive behavior, according to Dr. T’Sarumi:
- Loss of identity and a feeling of living under the shadow of someone else
- Fear of abandonment if not needed financially, emotionally, physically and psychologically
- Inability to maintain boundaries and difficulty in saying “no” even though it will impact you negatively
- Low self-esteem caused by catering to others and feeling depressed or anxious when you are no longer needed
- Poor communication and an inability to clearly articulate your needs to others
- Thriving on the approval of others
- Difficulty voicing how or what you are feeling.
A less obvious symptom of codependency, according to Dr. Piering, is decision-making paralysis. Codependent people are likely to have a hard time committing to something before knowing what the other person wants. Or, you may become a “people-pleaser,” she adds, “in trying to make everyone around you happy and feel good,” although this is usually at the sacrifice of your comfort.
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Who May Experience Codependency?
As we grow and meet new people, we may develop an “attachment style” based on who we interact with. “Repeated interactions with emotionally accessible and sensitively responsive attachment figures promote the formation of a secure attachment style, characterized by positive internal working models and effective strategies for coping with distress,” research in Frontiers in Psychology notes[1]. The opposite is true of unresponsive or inconsistent interactions.
“Our attachment styles are primarily a result of our earliest relationships, usually with our parents, and how our emotional needs were responded to in these formative years,” says Dr. Piering. For example, studies show a strong link between childhood traumatic experiences and codependency later in life. Past unstable relationships can also lead to codependency, especially if your partner flops between loving and available, or distant and abhorrent.
Warning signs of codependency typically predate adulthood. Dr. T’Sarumi says triggers include:
- Exposure to trauma in early childhood including physical, sexual or emotional abuse
- Anxious attachments due to inconsistent parenting patterns
- Being raised in a home where parents or caregivers exhibited traits such as narcissistic personality disorder, dependent personality disorder or borderline personality disorder
- Divorce, which in some cases can make you fearful of future abandonment
- Bullying from parents, siblings or peers, leading to insecurity in relationships
- A dysfunctional family dynamic that causes avoidance of confrontation or an inability to resolve conflict
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How Is Codependency Diagnosed?
Codependency isn’t included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) and therefore is not officially medically diagnosed, says Dr. T’Sarumi. Yet, it’s a real condition that can severely impact your mental health. “It’s sometimes observed by close friends or family and is most prevalent in those suffering addiction or severe health illnesses.”
As codependency exhibits itself similarly to other conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, it’s best pinpointed by a mental health specialist such as a therapist or psychiatrist.
When To See a Doctor
Codependency can quickly spiral, especially if the needs of another are consistently put above your own. “If you bend to your partner’s every whim and judge your self-worth based on their actions and feelings, your self-esteem can plummet further,” says Dr. Piering.
Bottom line, a codependent person will likely struggle to feel or emote happiness or contentment without the attention and approval of someone else. If you or a loved one are showing signs of codependency, it may require professional help. Treatment options include dismantling learned behaviors by unearthing buried feelings and fixing unhealthy attachment patterns.
Both holistic and comprehensive evidence-based intervention can be helpful, says Dr. T’Sarumi. “Codependency treatment should be started when it begins to affect relationships and your well-being, and certainly before it leads to conditions such as anxiety, depression, burnout or low self-esteem.”
This might include individual psychotherapy treatment options such as:
- Psychodynamic therapy to explore childhood trauma
- Cognitive behavioral treatment (CBT)
- Motivational interviewing
- Family therapy
- Couples therapy
- Group therapy
Therapy can help you gain deeper insight into your thinking patterns and how you approach relationships, adds Dr. Piering. “Goals of therapy might include identifying your own wants and needs, improving self-esteem, changing the way you perceive relationships and learning to set boundaries with people in your life.”
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