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You may have noticed that your friend’s boyfriend is always criticizing her. Or, perhaps you’re left feeling badly about yourself after every meeting with your boss. While we may acknowledge these are not healthy interactions, we might miss the fact that they could be signs of emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse is when one person manipulates another using fear, humiliation and other isolating tactics. It’s important to spot this behavior early so that you can help yourself or a loved one. Below, we detail what emotional abuse looks like and how to take action.
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What Is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior that aims to control, punish, demean or isolate another person, according to Beverly Engel, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Osos, California, and author of several books including The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.
But emotional abuse can happen in many kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones, adds Sarah Harte, a licensed independent clinical social worker in Washington, D.C., and the director at The Dorm D.C., a support center for young adults. It “most often happens in a relationship that’s ongoing,” she says. “That might be parent and child, a boss and an employee, a teacher, coach [or a] student.”
Emotional abuse may be unintentional, where the person doesn’t realize they are hurting someone else, according to Engel. And, “some people are reenacting patterns of being in a relationship that they learn from their parents or their caregivers,” adds Heidi Kar, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and principal advisor for mental health, trauma and violence at the Education Development Center in New York.
4 Signs of Emotional Abuse
Signs of emotional abuse may look different from person to person, but can generally be identified by the below behaviors.
1. Humiliation
An abuser may constantly humiliate someone else, alone or in front of other people, says Engel. They may laugh at the victim, call them names, make faces or roll their eyes when the victim talks. They may also criticize everything the victim does in a nonconstructive way, adds Dr. Kar.
Constant humiliation can make someone feel self-conscious and unsure about themselves and what they say.
2. Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is when the abuser threatens to withhold something from the victim unless the victim gives in to their demands. Examples, the experts say, include demands like:
- “If you don’t have sex with me in the way I want, I’ll go find it somewhere else.”
- “If you don’t do what I want, I’m going to get a divorce.”
- “I’ll never be the same if you’re not in my life.”
- “I’ll kill myself if you don’t go out with me.”
3. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when someone intentionally manipulates another person into questioning or disbelieving their own thoughts or reality, often over an extended period of time. The abuser may create constant conflict or drama and make the other person feel as though they are at fault for the tension that exists in the relationship. As a result, the victim often develops a dependence on the perpetrator and loses confidence, self-esteem and mental stability.
4. Invasion of Property
“Really clear emotional abuse” is when someone tries to control another person through possessions, says Dr. Kar.. The abuser may go through the other person’s possessions or their phone. They may also take control of their money or hold certain items, even pets, hostage.
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How to Spot Emotional Abuse
Signs of emotional abuse can look similar to verbal abuse or bullying. Emotional abuse often includes verbal abuse, which is the use of words to bully or demean someone. However, emotional abuse is when the abuser manipulates a person into feeling less than.
Here are a few ways you can spot emotional abuse in your own relationship or a loved one’s:
Victims can identify emotional abuse if they consistently feel drained, exhausted and/or depressed after spending time with someone, according to Hart. The other person may not add any positivity to the relationship or is always criticizing.
However, it can be a difficult situation to identify, she adds. “The nature of the abuse is making them question themselves instead of questioning the other. That’s where it starts to fester and go on for some time, but it doesn’t have to.”
Bystanders may notice a change in someone’s behavior; the victim may be more withdrawn or complain more often about how they feel, whether physically or emotionally. Observing people can also yield giveaways of emotional abuse. In fact, it’s common to see signs of emotional abuse, but fail to label it that way. If you suspect abuse in a loved one’s relationship, look for:
- Symptoms of anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Apologizing a lot, even for trivial things like taking up space
- Attention problems and confusion (ex. forgetting appointments or not performing as well at work)
- Physical problems (aches and pains, migraines, upset stomach, trouble sleeping)
- Being more distant in other relationships
“I think most of us know a relationship or two which we would categorize as unhealthy,” says Dr. Kar. “And often when you dig below the surface, what we’re talking about is emotional abuse.”
It can look like one person always getting their way. Perhaps they don’t like it when their partner sees their friends alone or goes on long trips. Keep an eye out for coercive, controlling or threatening behaviors.
As a bystander, Engel says the best thing to do is tell the victim you are there for them. “What you can say is, ‘I really care about you. I’m here for you, if you ever want to talk I will just listen,’” she suggests. “‘I won’t give you advice or try to push you in any direction, but I’ll just be here to listen to you now.’”
How Do You Stop Emotional Abuse?
Experts stress that there is no one way to approach an emotionally abusive situation. Every relationship and individual is different and complex, and some may involve physical or sexual abuse.
Assess safety levels. “The person who knows best what the safety aspect is … is the person who’s being abused,” says Dr. Kar. Ask yourself how safe you feel approaching the abuser. How safe do you feel leaving the relationship? Then, decide the best course of action.
Build a support system. If safety is a concern, Harte recommends finding people around you who care about you, whether it’s family, friends, coworkers or a therapist, sharing your discomfort and rallying them behind you. They can also help you create a plan of action.
“In these circumstances, people might hesitate to ask for help because they don’t know what kind of help they need or because they don’t know what the result of that asking will be,” says Harte. “But just asking is all you have to do. You don’t have to worry about what follows after.” Other experts also acknowledge that the victim might feel protective of their abuser, and is therefore hesitant to let others know what is really going on.
Figure out whether leaving makes sense. Harte likes to “err on the side of safety,” which means withdrawing from the abuser “without much engagement, if possible, to just get out.” That way, she says, it’s not about negotiation or giving the abuser other chances.
But it’s not always possible to leave a relationship if, say, it’s your boss or there are children or finances involved. In this case, you may need to talk to the person and gauge their intent.
Approach the abuser. Engel encourages confronting the abuser (if it’s safe to do so), which takes courage. But it can be a “very straightforward solution if the person is doing it unintentionally.” If so, the conversation could be the wake-up call they need to seek help and change. However, you don’t necessarily need to stick around.
On the other hand, intentional abusers are likely to deny the abuse and gaslight the victim. “They’ll do everything to get out of it and they won’t work on trying to change it,” Engel says.
Your Safety Is Important
If you are a survivor of sexual assault and need support, call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.
How to Rebuild Your Mental Health
If you’ve gone through emotional abuse, the psychological effects may outlast the relationship itself. In order to restore your mental health and energy, experts suggest:
Individual therapy. Therapy can help the survivor rebuild self-esteem and confidence. Survivors may also be able to work on any anger, become more independent and stand up for themselves.
Join a support group. Find groups of other emotional abuse survivors. They can be online, in person, informal or led by a professional. Community can offer some reassurance that you’re not alone in your experience, as well as support and advice from people who have been through it before.
Care for your body. Physical and emotional well-being are tied together, so taking care of your body is a way toward recovery. Get enough sleep, move your body, eat well and have some fun, Harte suggests. Mindfulness practices like yoga can also be helpful.
Be open to new relationships. Survivors may be very careful about who they partner with next, but Dr. Kar says not to avoid that. “This is part of your history and your reality, but actually allow that new partner to help you have a different experience,” she encourages.
