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Approximately 8% of high school students in the U.S. identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and 0.7% of youth identify as transgender, according to to the UCLA School of Williams Institute [1] [2] . This means that most adults are likely to know at least one young person who identifies as LGBTQ+.
Perhaps this makes you nervous, as you’re afraid you’ll say something offensive by accident. Or maybe in the current political climate, you want to make sure the LGBTQ+ children and teens in your life feel supported, but aren’t sure how to do that. Teachers and family members of LGBTQ+ youth especially may have questions about how best to lend support.
All kids deserve to feel loved and supported. LGBTQ+ youth are no different, but there are extra obstacles they may face compared to other children. Keep reading for tips on navigating these obstacles and ensuring that the LGBTQ+ kids in your life feel supported, valued and loved.
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Why It’s Important to Protect the Mental Health of LGBTQ+ Kids
There are alarming statistics about LGBTQ+ kids that show exactly why their mental health needs to be protected—according to a 2019 survey conducted by the non-profit The Trevor Project, 71% of LGBTQ youth reported feeling sad or hopeless for at least two weeks in the past year [3] . Perhaps most alarming is that 39% of LGBTQ youth reported that they seriously considered suicide in the past 12 months[4] .
“There are stressors that every child goes through, which includes fitting in at school, conflicts at home, puberty and planning for the future, but there are also stressors that are unique to LBGTQ+ kids and youth,” says Harvard-trained psychiatrist Muhammad Zeshan, M.D, who is an assistant professor of psychiatry at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School in Newark. The stressors that are unique to LGBTQ+ kids include facing homophobia (as well as biphobia and transphobia), increased risk of bullying and assault and risk of being rejected by their family, friends or religious community, he explains.
“Some adults ask LGBTQ+ youth to change their sexual orientation or gender identity, which can be confusing to the youth especially if it is coming from an adult they trust,” says Dr. Zeshan.
It can also have a devastating impact on mental health. A study in JAMA Psychiatry of 27,715 U.S. transgender adults found that lifetime and childhood exposure to gender identity conversion efforts (such as “conversion therapy”) was significantly associated with severe psychological distress and lifetime suicide attempts[5]. And for adults who recalled gender conversion efforts beginning before the age of 10, there was a significant increase in the lifetime odds of suicide attempts.
For youth who are transgender, which describes a person who has a gender identity that is different from the sex they were assigned at birth, Dr. Zeshan says something as simple as figuring out which bathroom to use can be anxiety-inducing.
“There is so much shame associated with being different in terms of sexuality and gender,” adds clinical psychologist Inna Khazan, Ph.D., a faculty member at the Harvard Medical School, adding that it’s important for all adults to be mindful of the mental health of LGBTQ+ kids—not just families who have an LGBTQ+ child. “There are so many jokes or certain ways of phrasing things that propagate bias and intolerance at a subconscious level,” she says. “The way we [collectively] talk about LGBTQ+ issues shapes our society.”
With that in mind, there are several ways everyone can support LGBTQ+ kids.
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7 Expert-Backed Ways to Support LGBTQ+ Kids
1. Educate Yourself
By reading this article, you are already supporting LGBTQ+ kids by learning more about the specific obstacles they face, but both experts say that one’s education shouldn’t stop here. “There are so many resources out there for people,” says Dr. Zeshan. Specifically, he recommends checking out the following resources:
- Gay and Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN): This non-profit was founded by teachers and is committed to ensuring that LGBTQ+ students have a safe place to learn. Search for a chapter near you or contact them to start one in your area.
- Genders and Sexualities Alliance (GSA) Network: The GSA Network offers trainings in schools and communities and has many educational resources on their site.
- It Gets Better Project: This global non-profit creates media programming as well as community-based programs pertaining to LGBTQ+ education and support. Their website has many videos featuring experts as well as gay, lesbian, bi, transgender and queer youth.
- Healthychildren.org: Created by the American Academy of Pediatrics, this non-profit isn’t solely focused on LGBTQ+ issues, but they do have many helpful articles, including ways parents can promote healthy gender development in their children and information for parents of LGBTQ+ teens.
2. Avoid Shaming
“The best way to show support to LGBTQ+ kids is to be supportive,” says Dr. Khazan. She explains that because identifying as LGBTQ+ can be taboo in our culture, there’s a good chance that the child is feeling alone, ashamed and hesitant to open up to you. Because of that, she says if and when they do, it’s important to listen and to not put them down or tell them that they’re “just confused.”
For parents, Dr. Zeshan says having an open discussion with their child without trying to shame them, make them feel guilty or like they have to hide their identity is important in terms of helping them feel accepted.
When an LGBTQ+ child feels rejected by their family, it’s especially damaging, adds Dr. Khazan. “Attachment is one of the most important foundations for development, and your parents are the first people someone is typically bonded with,” she says, explaining that parental rejection can disrupt the development process.
“When a child feels that the most important people in their life sees them as broken or doesn’t accept them, it’s devastating and shatters their ability to be resilient,” she adds.
3. Treat Them the Way You Would Treat Any Child
Kids just want to feel “normal,” and a major way to show support to LGBTQ+ kids is to treat them as you would other children, according to Dr. Khazan. You can do this by showing interest in what they’re interested in and also praising them when they are good at something to build their confidence—just as you may with a child who doesn’t identify as non-LGBTQ+, she adds.
4. Provide LGBTQ+ Representation
Reading books and watching movies or TV shows with LGBTQ+ characters will help the child you’re supporting feel represented. Read Brightly has a list of books for youth and teens and non-profit OK2bMe has a list of all forms of media to look into.
5. Advocate When necessary
Since kids who identify as LGBTQ+ are at a greater risk of being bullied, Dr. Zeshan encourages parents to advocate for their child, when necessary. “A parent can help their child file a complaint with the school if they are facing discrimination or harrassment there,” he says, adding that this will hold the school accountable to anti-bullying rules in place.
But before lodging an official complaint, Dr. Khazan says a parent should talk with their child to make sure it’s what they want to do. “Some children are scared that speaking up will just make the bullying worse,” she says. “It’s important for the parent to not go behind the child’s back and do something, but to come up with a plan together.” She adds that seeing a family counselor can be helpful in talking through the options together.
6. Allow the Child to Come Out on Their Timeline
“Coming out” is often a process, says both Dr. Zeshan and Dr. Khazan. A child may feel comfortable with certain people knowing their orientation, gender or identity, but may not be ready to tell others just yet. Both say that the best way to show support is to let the child guide the timeline of who they want to tell and when.
If you and the LGBTQ+ kid in your life are planning on going to an event where they may not be accepted by everyone (like a family reunion with relatives that may not be accepting), Dr. Zeshan says it’s best to have a conversation with the child beforehand about what they might encounter. “You can share any concerns, the child can share theirs and you can brainstorm ideas together about the best way to [navigate the situation],” says Dr. Zeshan.
7. Seek Out Supportive Health Care Providers
Both experts say there are simple ways a parent of an LGBTQ+ kid can find physical and mental health providers who will be affirming of their child. Both say that mental health providers who are supportive of LGBTQ+ kids often use affirming language on their website, something to be on the lookout for. For physical health providers, Dr. Zeshan says that GLMA has a helpful database of providers, and adds that you should not underestimate the power of word of mouth.
The statistics relating to LGBTQ+ youth and suicide prove just how important it is to support LGBTQ+ kids. Having just one supportive and loving adult in their lives can make all the difference—and there’s no reason that adult can’t be you. Even if you don’t know an LGBTQ+ child personally, the way you talk about LGBTQ+ issues plays a role in shaping society and whether or not it will be one of acceptance or rejection.
Connect With A Counselor
If you’re in crisis or having suicidal thoughts, call Mental Health America’s 24-hour hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or message its live online chat service for immediate support from a trained counselor. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.
